by Sheila Morrison
When mental illness creeps into your life celebrations may change. Christmas may seem quieter, a large party crowd may no longer be appropriate – maybe the extended family is not included – and celebrating anything just doesn’t seem right or easy. We can bring celebration back into our lives without adding stress by shifting attitudes.
Another family’s grown son is able to spend Christmas day with the family but there is no expectation that he will be able to attend other Christmas events. Instead he contributes a little money to a program for the homeless. Sometimes the family joins him at the festivities of that charity. Each year the family makes sure he feels welcome to join in various church and club Christmas events, but no one insists or pushes, and that is acceptable to everyone. We all need to respect that the person who lives with mental illness is the best one to decide how much activity is fun and healthy.
A dad, whose adult son has mental illness, said that his son had called and accepted an invitation to Thanksgiving dinner. As the day grew closer the son became increasingly stressed and called to say he would not be coming after all. His father’s reaction? He was disappointed of course, but he was also very proud. The phone calls, he said, meant a lot to him. He had made the effort and his Dad respected how difficult that had been. Those are the moments when we can say “Thank you for calling me and telling me. I know it took some courage and I appreciate it. You know the door is always open.”
That opportunity to thank your child and say “well done” is a golden opportunity for us even when we may feel a bit disappointed. We need to recognize accomplishments and build on them. Think how devastated that young man would have been if his dad had expressed his disappointment rather than his pride.
Christmas can be tricky. You might want to try some of the ways our family has simplified the season for our adult children:
- Buy a few books for small children, but don’t shop for adults.
- Send an early Christmas card to the adults telling them that this year your gift money is going to a mental health charity.
- Invite a few friends who live with mental illness for Christmas dinner a week or two before Christmas. Freeze some turkey for Christmas day.
- Make Christmas day a slow quiet affair. Each person gets a sock they can open slowly. Listen to music and sing. Have lots of small but yummy snacks instead of big meals, nap a lot. Go for a slow walk.
- Forget the baking – who needs it?
- Go to bed early after thanking everyone for a wonderful day.
- Think of Christmas as a day of peace for all, including you!
You want to include your family member but they won’t come?
When they say “thanks but no thanks”, respect that they have made a healthy choice for themselves. Say “I understand.”
If they call, thank them for calling and letting you know.
Make sure they know they are always welcome.
Family reunions are another challenge for some:
"We rent a cottage near the party site. Over the years our daughter has gradually increased the amount of time she spends at the reunion. At first she did not attend. One year she sat in the car and a few relatives came over to say hello. The next year she was able to spend a few minutes and so on. Last summer, for the first time, she was able to spend a couple of hours socializing. But if she had chosen to stay at our cottage that would have been fine too. Each time she moved a little closer to participating we applauded her efforts. We never pushed for more but she always knew she was welcome."
Every family’s circumstances are different but the key is to reward the smallest effort and be content with what is, not disappointed about what might have been. Then the struggle is gone and the celebrating can begin!
by Sheila Morrison
When mental illness creeps into your life celebrations may change. Christmas may seem quieter, a large party crowd may no longer be appropriate – maybe the extended family is not included – and celebrating anything just doesn’t seem right or easy. We can bring celebration back into our lives without adding stress by shifting attitudes.
Another family’s grown son is able to spend Christmas day with the family but there is no expectation that he will be able to attend other Christmas events. Instead he contributes a little money to a program for the homeless. Sometimes the family joins him at the festivities of that charity. Each year the family makes sure he feels welcome to join in various church and club Christmas events, but no one insists or pushes, and that is acceptable to everyone. We all need to respect that the person who lives with mental illness is the best one to decide how much activity is fun and healthy.
A dad, whose adult son has mental illness, said that his son had called and accepted an invitation to Thanksgiving dinner. As the day grew closer the son became increasingly stressed and called to say he would not be coming after all. His father’s reaction? He was disappointed of course, but he was also very proud. The phone calls, he said, meant a lot to him. He had made the effort and his Dad respected how difficult that had been. Those are the moments when we can say “Thank you for calling me and telling me. I know it took some courage and I appreciate it. You know the door is always open.”
That opportunity to thank your child and say “well done” is a golden opportunity for us even when we may feel a bit disappointed. We need to recognize accomplishments and build on them. Think how devastated that young man would have been if his dad had expressed his disappointment rather than his pride.
Christmas can be tricky. You might want to try some of the ways our family has simplified the season for our adult children:
- Buy a few books for small children, but don’t shop for adults.
- Send an early Christmas card to the adults telling them that this year your gift money is going to a mental health charity.
- Invite a few friends who live with mental illness for Christmas dinner a week or two before Christmas. Freeze some turkey for Christmas day.
- Make Christmas day a slow quiet affair. Each person gets a sock they can open slowly. Listen to music and sing. Have lots of small but yummy snacks instead of big meals, nap a lot. Go for a slow walk.
- Forget the baking – who needs it?
- Go to bed early after thanking everyone for a wonderful day.
- Think of Christmas as a day of peace for all, including you!
You want to include your family member but they won’t come?
When they say “thanks but no thanks”, respect that they have made a healthy choice for themselves. Say “I understand.”
If they call, thank them for calling and letting you know.
Make sure they know they are always welcome.
Family reunions are another challenge for some:
"We rent a cottage near the party site. Over the years our daughter has gradually increased the amount of time she spends at the reunion. At first she did not attend. One year she sat in the car and a few relatives came over to say hello. The next year she was able to spend a few minutes and so on. Last summer, for the first time, she was able to spend a couple of hours socializing. But if she had chosen to stay at our cottage that would have been fine too. Each time she moved a little closer to participating we applauded her efforts. We never pushed for more but she always knew she was welcome."
Every family’s circumstances are different but the key is to reward the smallest effort and be content with what is, not disappointed about what might have been. Then the struggle is gone and the celebrating can begin!